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First loving emotion...


It was a long time ago. I must have been 12 or 13 years old. I passed her in the school yard. I was madly in love with her. There was so much natural elegance in her walk, and so much beauty in her, it was indecent. I saw him regularly and each time the magic worked. I thought about her all the time, and that was the only thing that got me up in the morning. Would I see her again? I never dared to approach him. And then to tell him what? What an idea ! It was very good that way. Shyness then enveloped all my emotions. I was just watching him. It was good enough. I was still innocent.

It was a long time ago. I must have been 12 or 13 years old. I passed her in the school yard. I was madly in love with her. There was so much natural elegance in her walk, and so much beauty in her, it was indecent. I saw him regularly and each time the magic worked. I thought about her all the time, and that was the only thing that got me up in the morning. Would I see her again?

I never dared to approach him. And then to tell him what? What an idea ! It was very good that way. Shyness then enveloped all my emotions. I was just watching him. It was good enough. I was still innocent.

The beauty of the feeling was that there was no need for possession, recognition or quid pro quo. It was the same for her. She just radiated her intoxicating scent like a beautiful flower, whether you paid attention to her or not didn't matter. It would continue like this until the dawn of time.


It was therefore in innocence that all this was possible. This state which is love, so evanescent, can occur when there are no wounds or traumas yet. When the mind has not yet accepted corruption. When we no longer do what we say. When you became an adult, ugly, selfish and hypocritical. Then we invent it and we imagine it, we idealize it…


We gave up that child in us long ago, at the very beginning. It started with the violence of parental education, then at the school of the republic, brought up to compare ourselves, in the competition of grades and sports... And then to follow the models and the patterns of our parents, to to conform well to this sick society.

I understood much later that the romantic relationship was a mutually exploitative contract called marriage. It is based on jealousy, sexual addiction, the need for companionship, fear of loneliness, violence, lies and compromise. It's hard to say but that's the way it is.

Where there is a couple, there can be found antagonism, jealousy, dependence and countless conflicts. The relationship is initially biased. We pretend to normality but deep down, we know that it's a fool's game, each one making his little movie, sometimes even with conviction. It takes energy to hold such a mess, such a simulacrum.


However, it is possible to live together without divisions and with the respect required to share one's existence with a suffering being, with whom one can walk to overcome one's condition. We can thus share love and discover the beauty of existence outside of conflict. But what would happen then if we abandoned our crutches, our images, our injunctions to be like this rather than like that, each with its role and its supposed function? What would happen if we cooperated as equals, without affectation, with kindness and honesty? If, rather than embodying a man or a woman, we embodied two human beings with the same psychological concerns, the same expectations, and the attention necessary to understand that there is neither dominant nor dominated, neither hunter nor hunted, neither handyman nor cook.


No more roles to assume, no more the one who takes than the one who gives: images conveyed by Judeo-Christian ideology after two thousand years of propaganda. These old patterns breed injustice, exploitation of others, discord and antagonism. It is insidious, it settles gradually over the long term. Let's see it factually because that is what is happening. The author does not invent anything. Let's look at the facts within ourselves, without fleeing, judging, or even condemning.


It took me two divorces to really take the measure of disenchantment. It was only much later that I was able to find this feeling of innocence that is love. The one that is possible when you have dressed your plaids and there is no more momentum to want to hurt the other, when there is still time to take one path rather than another...

I found it in honest coexistence and inner freedom. When everything that is untrue disappears in the profile of a relationship without the need to possess or identify. When images no longer exist, and mutual respect has taken hold, outside contracts and duties and childish abstractions.

So we can find this naïve momentum which is not a memory, but a primary emotion. This feeling is not a product of the past or of thought, it is a living thing in everything, and every moment.

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